Reminders
by Dominae
Summary: A near death experience changes nothing. But death...it changes everything. In the aftermath of the the Normandy's destruction, along with her own, Shepard struggles to put the pieces back together.
1. Reminders

Disclaimer: Oh, please. You know I don't own Mass Effect.

Recommended Listening: I Will Follow You Into the Dark- Death Cab for Cutie

Quote- Evans Blue

(Went back through and edited this after catching a few errors. Whoops. :)

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_Fire exploded from the planet, searing heat spilling out into the blackness of space. Her skin was freezing in the darkness. Blue blood was spilling through her fingers. Headstones. Graves. Funerals. A cloaked figure wielding a wickedly sharp scythe. Reaper._

Shepard jerked awake, gasping for air and cold sweat trickling down her back. The stars shone above her, far too close. She tossed the covers back and scrambled out of the bed, striding to the fish tank. She leaned against the glass, fogging it over as she took several deep breaths. Her heart was beating painfully fast. Shepard ran a hand through her hair, closing her eyes in thought.

_'It's far too late,' _a nagging voice reminded her.

Another voice chimed in snidely, _'Don't be an idiot. He's always up late.' _

The first voice snorted in indignation. _'Well, it's not appropriate. What happened to being a professional?'_

_'Oh, please. He's your friend, Shepard_,' The second voice said dismissively. '_I thought you said you didn't want to leave things unsaid. You know. Since you died and all.'_

"Shut up, both of you."

Shepard steeled her jaw and rifled through her closet, throwing on a standard Cerberus issue uniform. She paused as she slipped it on and muttered,

"Now I'm talking to myself. At least make an effort at not being crazy, Shepard."

Shaking her head, she crossed the room, shuffling up the steps and out the door. She stepped into the elevator, pushing the button a bit harder than was really necessary. Shepard leaned back against the railing, closing her eyes once again.

_'You're sure you want to do this?'_

Her eyes popped open, and she slammed the elevator button again, growling,

"Why the hell are these things so slow?"

No one answered. Shepard was rather grateful for that. She kept her eyes trained on the polished floor for the rest of the ride, steadfastly thinking of numerous ways to dismember the Council. It was much more fun than second-guessing herself. A happy ding interrupted her right as she got to the bit involving several chain links and a butter knife. The elevator doors slid smoothly open. Shepard exited, doing her best not to glance around for people. It was already fishy looking enough to be down here when everyone else was sleeping. Kelly would no doubt love to speculate, if she ever got wind of Shepard's late-night trip.

Shepard hurriedly walked through the mess hall, coming to a stop at Garrus's red-lit door. She could hear a quiet tapping from inside.

_'He's awake then. Probably calibrating.'_

The turian's ability to run calibrations so often was stunning. Shepard would probably end up shooting someone if forced to do that. But she had a fifty-fifty chance of being forced to shoot someone on a trip for groceries, so she doubted that her opinion really counted for much.

_'You're stalling, Shepard.'_

She squared her shoulders and rapped on the door. The quiet tapping stopped suddenly. Shepard could almost hear the turian's puzzled expression. Booted feet clanked to the door, and the red light turned green. The door slid open.

_'Yep, there's the puzzled look. Say something.'_

Garrus's blue eyes met her own. He tilted his head slightly, the dim light reflecting off his cybernetic plate.

"Shepard? Do you need something?"

Shepard cleared her throat, peering past him.

"Yeah, right. Sure. Listen, do you mind if I come inside for a minute?"

He stepped aside, staring at her as she entered. Shepard hopped up onto a crate, folding her hands in front of her. Garrus turned back to his work station, watching her. Her eyes had dark circles underneath them, highlighted by the orange glow of her cybernetics. She sat still for several moments, seemingly at a loss for words. He didn't often see this side of Shepard. Only after Virmire and the subsequent grounding of the Normandy. Frankly, it scared him. It made him remember that she wasn't as entirely invincible as she liked to appear; something he hadn't been able to forget after they put her empty coffin in the ground.

"You should be sleeping."

Shepard slipped off the crate, crossing her arms in front of her. She shook her head; laughing quietly.

"And you shouldn't be? I wasn't the one that took a rocket to the face."

"No, you were the one that got spaced."

She held her hands up and said defensively,

"Hey, I spent the last two years getting my beauty sleep."

Garrus exhaled, turning to face her fully.

"I know you didn't come here to discuss naptime, Shepard."

The grin slipped off her face and she nodded, leaning back against the closed door.

"No. I didn't."

The turian stood passively in front of her, waiting for her to continue. He didn't know what he was expecting, but it wasn't for her to suddenly move forward, her hand gently touching the scarred side of his face. His mandibles flared in surprise, but he didn't step back. Shepard gazed at him with an unreadable expression and whispered,

"You're alive, Garrus. I just like to see you. It reminds me that I didn't leave you. It reminds me that you aren't dead in a pool of blood, staring up at the ceiling of some battered apartment in Omega. Sometimes...sometimes I forget that. I have to remember the truth."

In one swift move, she embraced him. His cowl made the position of her arms awkward and his armor was cold against her face, but it was enough to push away that haunting image of a slain Archangel, with blank blue eyes and unspent vengeance.

Shepard released him after a moment, face burning. Garrus's mandibles were slack with shock, his arms hanging limply at his sides. Shepard jabbed her thumb back at the door, taking several steps toward it.

"I-I should definitely go now. Sorry."

She turned to leave, but a gloved hand caught her wrist, pulling her back. Shepard stood close to Garrus, his hand intertwining with her own.

"You died. I spent two years forcing myself to remember that. I caught myself looking up every time a door opened, certain that you would walk in, pissed off that I'd gone and left you. And you did. But sometimes I forget that. I like to remind myself that you're alive too, Shepard. I have to."

The silence was almost tangible. Garrus inclined his head to meet Shepard's, her warm skin meeting his a welcome proof that neither of them had left.

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	2. Family

IT'S ALLLIIIIIIVE! Also, I noticed that their is a lot of Kelly hate, which I don't understand. I like Kelly. She's cute and gives free hugs, no matter how many tentacles you have.

Soundtrack: Knockin' on Heaven's Door-Guns and Roses

Simple Man-Lynyrd Skynyrd

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_You have another niece, Bethy! Harlan and I named her Hannabeth, after mom and you. She's the sweetest little thing. She has these big blue eyes. She looks like you did when you were a baby. :) Olivia keeps asking about you too. I tried to tell her about, well, you know. I don't think she understands yet. She's used to not seeing her Auntie Beth often, but two years is pretty long, even for you. The tabloids are saying that you were seen on Omega. I want them to be right. I pray that they are. But it wouldn't be the first time that they were wrong. Or even the fifth. I don't know why I keep sending these things. I guess I just think that if I keep talking to you, maybe you won't really be gone. Maybe you can hear me somehow. I just want to see you again. We all do._

_Love,_

_Arlene, Mom and Dad_

Shepard ran a hand through her hair, massaging her temples as she rested her head in her hands. Her fingers itched to reply, to comfort, to tell them that she was back and they could stop mourning because hey, she was alive after all. They could be a happy little family again. But that wouldn't happen. Not anytime soon, at least. To tell them that she was alive would lead to her explaining that she was going to throw herself right back into the fire and they probably shouldn't expect another miraculous return. That would be infinitely more cruel than to simply let them think the sightings were just another false hope.

_'Or you're just too cowardly to face them. Afraid to see just how they've changed and you haven't?'_

She shoved the thought aside and stood up, her boots hitting the floor with a forceful thud. Shepard strode away from the message, away from her room, to the elevator. She paused as the steel grey doors slid open obligingly. She couldn't think of any actual destination but stepped inside the elevator and hit a random button anyway. As long as she wasn't alone with her thoughts, she didn't care where it took her.

'_Or maybe that's a part of the problem. You have changed. Working with Cerberus wasn't your idea, but you aren't fighting it. You're not even just going along with it. You've embraced the situation, no matter how much you might deny it. Better to have them think you're a dead hero rather than a living terrorist.'  
_

The doors opened to the main deck, revealing a surprised Kelly Chambers.

"Oh! Shepard! This is great, I needed to talk to you."

The redhead grinned at Shepard as she entered the elevator, a perpetual spring in her step.

"I have time, Kelly. What's on your mind?"

Kelly pushed the button back up to Shepard's cabin and leaned back on the elevator walls, waving a hand in Shepard's general direction.

"Actually, it isn't what's on my mind. It's what's on yours. Or who, for that matter."

Shepard froze, ignoring the urge to cross her arms defensively.

_'Your family would hate to hear that humans don't do it for you anymore, wouldn't they? Bad enough that you've joined a terrorist organization, but starting to have feelings for a turian? That's just downright unnatural.'_

Her arms crossed.

"I have no idea what you're talking about, Kelly."

Kelly arched an eyebrow skeptically.

"Shepard, it's my job to notice people's problems. I know you like to pretend that you're some sort of immovable rock, but you're not, and that means my job includes noticing your problems too."

"I believe I told you that your job did not include me, and would never include me. I take care of my problems on my own."

Kelly nodded her head, biting her lip thoughtfully, and hesitated before she spoke again.

"I know that you're used to working things out by yourself. But I can help."

Anticipating the cold rejection that Shepard would no doubt give, Kelly said the words that she knew would force the Commander's hand.

"If you aren't clearheaded, you're putting the mission in jeopardy, Shepard. We can't afford that. No one can."

Shepard stepped out of the elevator and entered her cabin without replying, with Kelly awkwardly half-running to keep up with her. Settling on the couch, she gestured for Kelly to sit with her and broke the frigid silence.

"You have ten minutes, Miss Chambers. Make it count."

"I can do a lot with ten minutes."

"Nine minutes and thirty seconds."

Kelly furrowed her brow and leaned closer to Shepard from her spot on the couch, saying indignantly,

"It didn't take me a half minute to say that I can do a lot with ten minutes."

Shepard stretched out on the couch, tapping an imaginary watch.

"**Now** it's nine minutes and thirty seconds. You should probably hurry."

Kelly frowned, then tucked a rogue strand of red hair behind her hair, composing herself and returning to her original position.

"Point taken. I saw the message from your sister. I didn't read it! I just noticed who sent it. I know that you haven't replied."

Shepard relaxed slightly, folding her hands in her lap, but her mouth was still drawn in a tense line. There hadn't been a mention of Garrus, but talking about her familial relationships to a shrink wasn't high on the list of things she liked to do, either.

"I saw no reason to do so. I won't tell them I'm alive until I know I'm staying that way."

The yeoman opened her mouth to speak.

"And that's final, Kelly."

She sighed, but nodded.

"It's up to you, Shepard. But I know that if my sister died, I would do anything to see her again. Even if she couldn't stay with me."

"And what would you do in my position? I would give up anything to see my family again. I have one niece that wonders where I am, and another niece that might not ever get to meet me. My sister had to come to terms with the fact that she was the only Shepard kid left. My parents had to watch my empty coffin put in the ground, had to realize that they were still alive while one of their children had died alone. You think that I would be cruel enough, _selfish _enough, to make them go through that hell again?"

Kelly's eyes were glassy with unshed tears. She took Shepard's hand and gave it a gentle squeeze.

"No. I don't you would be. I don't think anyone would. But I think your family would believe that hell is worth going through if it means seeing someone they love again."

She let go of Shepard's hand and headed to the door.

"Just something to think about, Shepard. Love is worth hell."

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	3. Dealing

Disclaimer: I own nothing.

Playlist: Cut - Plumb

Enjoy the Silence- Anberlin

This was originally a stand alone oneshot, but I deleted it and added it here. Fits better.

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The whiskey sloshed around in its bottle as Shepard sprawled back on her bed. She glared nastily at the amber liquid. It pissed her off. Probably because it wasn't getting her as drunk as she had hoped, though there was also a high chance that she just wanted something to be angry with. Whatever shit Cerberus had stuffed her with was powerful. Shepard hadn't exactly been a lightweight before, but there was something wrong when it took ryncol to put her down. Dragging herself roughly off the bed, she took a few stumbling steps towards her desk and slammed the whiskey down next to her N7 helmet. Shepard leaned heavily against the cool metal side, contemplating the possibility that she was perhaps a tiny bit more inebriated than previously assumed. Or maybe the room always spun around like this. Either way, it was unpleasant. She slumped down against the desk, straightening her legs, then grabbed the alcohol as an afterthought and took a long swig. Shepard sighed heavily, frowning as her gaze found the fish tank. Something was wrong but she couldn't quite seem to put her finger on it. A second passed before it registered that the fish were gone. She furrowed her brows and studied the disturbingly empty water, searching for her missing fish. Starting at the bottom, her eyes drifted upward, eventually meeting several brightly colored bodies floating lifelessly. Shepard took another draft of whiskey and closed her eyes.

"Officer Vakarian is requesting entrance, Shepard."

Shepard started at EDI's voice, and the back of her head greeted the desk rather loudly. She scowled at the ceiling, vaguely wondering if a tank top and shorts passed for presentable two years in the future. Which was the present. Now she was confusing herself. Shepard decided to go with it; she had her doubts on whether she could actually manage to change her clothes without falling and cracking her skull open on the floor, anyway.

"Go ahead and let him in, EDI."

The door slid open with a decisive click. Shepard maintained her stare at the ceiling.

"Shepard, I just came to see..." Garrus's voice trailed off in distraction. Shepard was huddled against her desk, clutching a bottle of whiskey in a white-knuckled grasp. Her outfit was different as well, showing far more skin than he was used to, and more than he was entirely comfortable with.

"If I was alright?" She finished for him.

Garrus blinked, baffled. Shepard lolled her head at him and prompted, "You just came to see if I was alright?"

He hesitated, then took a step forward in her direction. The smell of alcohol was overpowering. "Are you? After what Kaidan said to you on Horizon, I can't imagine that you'd be happy."

Kaidan's accusing face loomed in front of her.

_'Or maybe Cerberus is just using the threat of the Reapers to manipulate you.'_

Shepard dropped her head into her knees, her voice muffled as she muttered, "Dammit, Garrus. I was _trying _to forget about that for a little bit. I'll have you know that you just ruined several minutes worth of drinking."

Stopping in front of her, he held out a taloned hand to help her up.

"Sorry, Shepard."

She placed the bottle on the ground, took a deep breath, and grudgingly pulled herself to her feet. She swayed about for a moment, until Garrus gently stabilized her. He kept his hand on her shoulder as he continued, "You didn't answer my question."

Blearily turning her eyes down and crossing her arms over her chest, Shepard replied, "I'm dealing with it."

Withdrawing his hand, Garrus regarded her intently. "By drinking?"

"We all handle our problems differently, Garrus. You kill a bunch of mercs. I get shitfaced and go on suicide missions." She pushed past him, making her unsteady way to the fish tank. Shepard glowered at it for a moment before moving to face the turian.

"That didn't turn out well for me. How badly will this turn out for you?"

Rebuked, she stared at him challengingly. Garrus held her gaze evenly. Two years ago, he would've quickly backed down. Now, Shepard was the one to drop her eyes.

She refused to look at him as she whispered, "Most of my squad died on Torfan. Ashley died on Virmire. _I_ died." Her voice cracked as she continued, "Now I'm facing down death _again_, and I can't even see my family. I can't even _tell _them that I'm alive, because then I would have to tell them that I'm going to go chasing after things way above my pay grade and probably get myself killed. What Kaidan said...it's just one more thing. I can handle it."

Shepard turned to him, a bizarre wetness on her cheeks. Tears, humans called them. Garrus distantly remembered that they indicated sadness or great amusement. He really doubted it was the latter. He shifted awkwardly, unsure of the proper protocol when it came to comforting female humans. Garrus played with the thought of exiting hastily; Shepard was, after all, his commanding officer. He reluctantly disregarded the idea. She was also the only damn friend he had anymore.

Garrus took a step forward, arms open, imitating her actions in the main battery. He was certain that this was the same feeling he'd have if he were facing down a thresher maw without even his rifle. Thankfully, Shepard didn't spit acid at him. She leaned into him, her arms encircling his waist. Garrus shuddered and took a jerky breath as she brushed against the sensitive skin. Touching her in the main battery had been different; it was impulsive, instinctive. Not this awkward approach at doing something right.

He forced himself to relax and simply hold her. Her soft human body was very malleable, and her hair still had a pleasant flowery scent, even if the alcohol was noticeable. Lilac, she had called it. Shepard was taking gulping breaths of air against his shoulder and her whole form was shaking. Scrambling for some sense of what to do, Garrus recalled a scene from some human vid that he'd seen in his off time. He threaded his talons through her oddly textured hair, repeatedly stroking it as he rumbled soothingly. Shepard gradually quieted, her body going slack. He held her for a few more minutes, before realizing that she'd fallen asleep. Or passed out. He wasn't entirely sure. Considering his options, he decided the best thing to do was simply place her in the bed. Garrus scooped her up, ignoring her half-hearted protest as he strode down the stairs and across the room.

He rolled her onto the bed, softly drawing the covers over her. Shepard sighed quietly, unconsciously moving into the fetal position. Garrus gazed at her, wondering at the rare vulnerability. Her face was completely peaceful, and even the scars seemed to have faded. He delicately brushed a strand of hair away from her cheek, then left the room, instructing EDI to turn off the lights as he left.

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Review? Pleases?


	4. Author's Note!

Hello, everyone! This is a status update. I'm heading out of town for a wedding, and will be back around Monday-ish! Expect the next post when I get back.

Until then, here's a brief preview of what the next update will contain*:

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Garrus sorting out personal problems.

Shepard deciding to sort out personal problems, but getting interrupted.

Thane too!

HOT SMEXY ALIEN LOVE! (Joking. Sorry.)

Other stuff I haven't mentioned.

*subject to change, but probably won't.

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Love and cookies to all reviewers! Silent readers, you just get love. And a half of a cookie. Curse my generous heart!

Oh, one last thing. If you get the chance, read Hyperbole and a Half. It's a hilarious blog.

...am I allowed to tell you guys to read offsite stuff? Eh. Whatever. Do it.


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